


The Aftermath

by theclosetpianist



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depression, Season 4 Spoilers, Self-Sacrifice, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, slight Sheith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 09:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12363018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theclosetpianist/pseuds/theclosetpianist
Summary: 'Keith had tried to kill himself,' Shiro thought. 'He tried to sacrifice himself to save the team, and he was ready to die in the process.' Shiro felt his heart stop. He could have lost him. He wouldn't have been able to bear it.The aftermath of Keith's attempted self-sacrifice and Shiro's reaction to it.





	The Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Proceed with caution! This story contains thoughts of suicide and depression.

Keith returned to his chambers. The door slid shut behind him, plunging the room in a soft darkness. He collapsed on his bed, happy for some peace and solitude. He had tried to stay with his teammates as they cheered and celebrated their victory. But he couldn’t take it any longer. Silently, he slipped away.

The battle had taken a lot out of him. He usually lived for the glory of battle. Relished in it. But this time it was different. He felt empty. Cold. Numb. But then again, near death experiences would do that to a person. He knew entering every battle that there was a very real possibility that he would be killed. That every fight just might be his last. But this time he had stared death in the eyes and he had run toward it.

He hadn’t expected to feel so terrified. He knew self-preservation was an instinct that ran strong in humans, but nothing could have prepared him for the melee of chemicals that assaulted his brain. His mind had been ready. He had been resigned to his own death, he had accepted it. But his body revolted against the fact. The fear that had coursed through his body had been painful. His heart had seized in his chest. His breath caught in his throat and his lungs screeched for air. It had hurt. He had been so scared.

It went beyond terror. It was horror that had coursed through his body. Terror was an animalistic emotion, fear and then death. But horror was something else. It went deeper. Horror was a strictly human emotion. Horror denoted a sense of understanding that animals did not have the mental capacity to comprehend. Horror was terror and dread mixed into one. He had known he was going to die. He had seen his death approaching like a bullet. And in that moment, he had been powerless.

Then it had been over. He had felt the heat from the explosion even through the safety of his windshield. And the worst part is he hadn’t even felt relief. He hadn’t felt any joy to still be alive. He felt shocked. He had been ready to die. He was going to save his teammates. And he had failed them. Yet again. No matter what he tried, he always seemed to fail.

_Maybe the team would be better off if I really did just die?_ Keith thought to himself, vaguely registering the dichotomy of his hard, uncomfortable armor that still clung to his body and the warm, soft mattress that he lay on. He was no use to them as a leader, always shouting out the wrong orders, making wrong decisions, leading his team straight into danger. He was no use to the Blade of Marmora. While away on a mission his team had needed them and he let them down. He let his fellow Blade members down when he had failed to save his own, leaving him to die. _It should have been me_ , Keith thought bitterly.

He wasn’t injured, he knew he wasn’t, then why did his heart hurt so much?

He needed sleep. He just needed sleep. And maybe if he was lucky he wouldn’t wake up. But sleep wouldn’t take him. It fluttered toyingly at the edge of his consciousness but it never claimed him. Instead he was left alone with his thoughts, his regrets, his fears. Time began to lose meaning. How long had he lain in bed? A few minutes? Perhaps a few hours? He didn’t know. He didn’t really care.

A knock at the door jolted him out of his semiconscious state. “Keith?” The voice was muffled by the thick wall that stood between them. It was Shiro. “Can I come in?”

Keith debated on ignoring him. Pretending to be asleep. Or maybe claiming that he hadn’t heard him. He didn’t want to face Shiro. Not after what he had done. Not after how badly he failed. He couldn’t face him.

The knock came again, more insistent. “Keith, please!” Shiro’s voice drifted through the wall. “I need to talk to you.” Keith hesitated, then slowly got to his feet and padded toward the door. It slid open with a silent hiss.

The look on Shiro’s face was unreadable. Anger and fear lurked under his cool mask. His eyes were rimmed with red, as if he had been crying.

“Mind if I come in?” Shiro asked. Keith didn’t say anything, merely stepping aside so Shiro could enter. The Black Paladin walked in and the door closed behind him. He turned and look at Keith. “I talked to Matt.” _Wait, Keith, what are you doing? Keith no!_ Matt’s voice echoed in his mind. Keith’s heart dropped. He knew. Shiro knew how he failed. “What were you thinking?!” Shiro snarled. Keith looked at him in surprised. Shiro looked livid, anger burned hot and wild in his eyes. “Do you understand what would have happened?” He grabbed Keith’s shoulders, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “You could have died, Keith! You would have been dead!”

Keith looked down, smoldering. “I would have been dead anyway. The bomb would have gone off and we would all be dead. I had to do something.”

“So you just go off on your own?” Shiro shouted. “Without saying anything to us?” Keith didn’t say anything. “You were just going to kill yourself without even saying goodbye. And I had to hear it from Matt?” Shiro was incredulous.

“What did you want me to do?” Keith yelled back. “Sit back and do nothing? Just let everyone die? I had the chance to do something, Shiro!”

“I wanted you to say something!”

“What difference would it make?” Keith’s words were barely above a whisper. “I was doing you guys a favor.”

Shiro sucked in a breath, his face filled with disbelief and betrayal. “Is that what you really think?” Shiro breathed. “That we wouldn’t care?” Keith didn’t say anything, his eyes glued to the floor. Before he knew it, he was pulled into a bone crushing embrace, his face pressed against Shiro’s chest. “Don’t you ever thing that. Do you hear me? Ever!” The anger in Shiro’s voice couldn’t quite cover the pain and grief it contained. The arms that encircled Keith were trembling. “If you died, it would break us, Keith. It would break me. You are just as important as any member of this team. You can’t just decide to leave me like that. Do you understand?”

“Shiro…”

“Don’t ever think we don’t care, because we do. I can’t lose you again.” Shiro cried, his tears soaking into Keith’s hair.

Keith didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. Even if he could, he wasn’t sure what he would say. Did they really care that much? They couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. But if that were true, then why was Shiro holding him like it was the last time he would ever see him? Why was Shiro sobbing?

Maybe they really did care?

_Oh, God…_

Keith was still alive, and this was how Shiro reacted. What would Shiro do if Lotor hadn’t been there to destroy the shield?

_It’s my fault!_

The dam broke. Tears flowed down Keith’s, harsh sobs shaking his body.

“I’m so sorry, Shiro.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay. I love you, Keith. It’s okay.” Shiro swept a hand through calmingly through Keith’s hair.

“I was just trying to do the right thing for once.” Keith lamented.

“I know you were.” Shiro pulled away slightly and wiped the tears from Keith’s face. “Just please never do something like that again. I love you so much, I can’t lose you.”

“I can’t lose you either.” Keith sobbed. “I’m so sorry! I thought none of you cared. All I ever do is fail you all.”

“No, you don’t! No, you don’t, Keith.” Shiro said soothingly, stroking his hair. “We need you with us Keith. You will always be a part of this team.”

“Okay.” Keith breathed. “I promise I won’t do anything that reckless again.”

“I love you, Keith.”

“I love you too, Shiro”


End file.
